


Read me your family

by Zafhira



Series: Read to me [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: And Failing, Angst, Gen, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Misunderstandings, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Protective Frigga (Marvel), Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, They are trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-03-29 15:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13930239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zafhira/pseuds/Zafhira
Summary: Loki's family will never understand, no matter how hard they try.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Finally a new part! School has been crazy busy, and this part has actually been ready for a while but haven't had time to publish it. This is very trigger warning though, so heed the warnings!

13:46

The soft humming of Frigga's voice filled the awkward silence that threatened to choke the air out of Loki. Family dinners were the absolute worst invention in the whole world, and whoever thought it was a good idea to have a get-together with a family that was too normal, like Loki's, was quite possibly mad for real.

It wasn't so bad at the start. Loki had helped his mother with the preparations for her lasagna, and when they had finally gotten the beast in the oven Thor had entered the kitchen with his all too bright smile and all too big personality. Of course, their mother was delighted to see her eldest son, ever since Thor moved away from home to pursue a career in American football he'd had less and less time to spend at home. Loki could count on one hand the times Thor had been home the last couple of months.

The day had started so well, with Loki almost feeling at ease in the kitchen for the first time in probably years, a sort of childlike adoration for his mother taking the place of the usual anxiety, but then Thor had to open his big mouth and ask Loki how his cuts were healing up.

Both Loki and Frigga had frozen, one looking at the other and the other staring down at the floor. "Cuts? What cuts? I thought you'd stopped after the last time. Oh, Loki, honey, why can't you just talk to me when you're feeling down?"

All the questions had made Loki want to flee the room. It felt like the whole ceiling was crushing down on his shoulders, pressing the air out of his lungs and squeezing at his heartstrings. "I have stopped, it wasn't me. It was the stupid cat," Loki whispered, more to himself than to anyone else, as a reminder that he HAD stopped. He'd been good.

"I know we could never possibly understand what you're going through, but we will never be able to learn if you won't even talk to us. Honey you know I will always be there for you."

Loki could practically hear the tears in his mother's voice, and he knew she was restricting herself as to not run over and engulf him in a hug. Loki hated surprise hugs.

"I said it wasn't me," he mumbled, a little louder than before. "Your father and I are always so concerned, Loki, we don't know if we've seen you for the last time when you go out that door, and you know how Odin gets when he's nervous."

And so Frigga continued. Loki didn't blame her though, she was just trying her best. She couldn't possibly know how much Loki hated this conversation, hearing it over and over again. She couldn't know how guilty he felt for feeling the way he did and being so fucked up as he was. She'd done a great job raising him, she was the best mother he could have ever hoped for, but when the offspring was doomed from day one there was little one could do. 

In the end, Loki just closed his ears and focused on the book he was reading. It took some time, but when Frigga realised her son wasn't listening to her she just sighed, mumbled some quick words to Thor and then continued with her usual house duties, humming to herself.

Thor busied himself with pretending there was something interesting on his phone, and everything was how it used to be back when Thor still lived in the house. Awkward and hostile.

14: 32

The sound of the door slamming shut made the hairs on Loki's neck raise. There was a quick rattling of some keys being thrown into a bowl, and then Odin's face could be seen through the window in the hallway door. Thor quickly went out to greet his father, to which Odin exclaimed "There you are, let me look at you son! How have you been since last time? Doing well I supposed? That's a good lad."

The taste of vomit was so strong in Loki's mouth he almost fled to the bathroom, if it wasn't for the fact that the bathroom was in the hallway in which the two he wanted to avoid was having the nicest and most cliche conversation one could possibly have in that kind of situation.

Frigga was the next one out to greet Odin, gushing about how tired he must be after a long day of work. Loki almost barfed in one of the vases. And then, of course, the whole happy-go family entered the living room, looking at Loki like he hadn't been there the whole time.

"There you are, I almost thought you'd gone out," was all Odin said before he went into the kitchen to continue the lovely conversation, the other two following like puppies. Loki didn't even have time to think of an answer, which suited him perfectly fine. He could focus on "The Hobbit" until dinnertime, in which he only had to sit for about ten minutes before he could run away to his room.

Four minutes later his mother called him to the table. Loki promised he'd be there after this page. Five pages later he put the book down and entered the kitchen, immediately feeling like a deer in the headlights when two and a half pair of eyes locked themselves on his face. "You're late, your mother called you and we expect you to listen when your parents talk to you," was all Odin said before he continued on his lasagna. Looking down at Frigga, Loki mumbled a quick "sorry" before seating himself.

The lasagna was as good as ever, no one could deny that Frigga was an excellent cook, and everyone ate in silence. It was almost too good to be true when Loki looked at the clock and realised ten minutes had gone and he could leave.

But of course, it was all a facade and before Loki could get up Odin cleared his throat. "I've been talking to your psychiatrist, Loki. He says there isn't much progress and he wants you admitted again." Loki could hear Thor give out a heavy sigh.  
"But I am not interested in paying the amount of money he's asking if you're not gonna actually work on fixing yourself."

Loki didn't know what to say to that. He was just so tired of the same conversations and the same misunderstandings, the way his family treated him as if he chose to be this way. As if he chose to feel like this. There was silence after that, they were probably waiting for Loki to say something. There was nothing to say.

"Honey, I would listen to what your father is saying. We're only trying to help you, but we can't help you if you keep ignoring our hands."

"Mother's right you know. We only want what's best for you and if you just tried to work this out it could become so much better. You know what my coach says? Depression is a game of the mind, you just have to teach it who's the real winner. Sitting inside with your melancholy books doesn't help your already fragile mind."

"Listen to your brother, he knows what he's talking about. You should get out more, get some fresh air. Start working out. Working out gives you endorphins, thus making you happy."

"Yes, and even a little bit of sunlight will go a long way. This one guy on my team was so depressed when his girlfriend broke up with him we almost thought he'd kill himself, but after a good run in the sun he was as good as new and he's perfectly fine now."

"I really think this is the chance, if you can just accept and start working towards your own happiness I know this can heal you and you can go back to being the happy boy we knew and loved so much."

The sound of a falling chair broke through the endless stream of words, and in the silence they could only hear Loki's hard breathing from where he stood, fists clenched and jaw tight. His eyes were squeezed shut, the controlled breathing the only sign Loki wasn't gonna lose it.

"Why won't you just listen to us when we're trying to help you?" Odin said, his voice sounding tired. As if he was the one battling with a thousand versions of himself. "I won't accept," was all Loki managed to say before he stormed up to his room, locking the door behind him.

He'd been good. Loki had been good. Had been. Was. Never. Will be. Good.

13 weeks and six days since his last cuts. Five weeks and three days since his last suicide attempt. Five weeks since his last painkillers. Three weeks since his last text from Tony. Two weeks and five days since he last texted Tony.

He'd been good, he'd been behaving and most importantly he'd tried. Loki had felt proud of himself.

But Dr Banner didn't think he was doing good. His family didn't think he'd tried. They didn't know, they didn't understand. They didn't try to understand him like he tried to understand them, and Loki knew he was hurting them.

He could hear it when his mother cried about him to his father, he could hear when his father complained about his non-existent progress, he could hear it when Thor laughed at his weak brother to his teammates.

Loki knew he didn't try, he couldn't be fixed, he was doomed to fail, he was lazy, egoistic, ignoring their helping hands, unloving. Unloved.

Everything would be better with him out of the picture, Loki knew that. His family just couldn't see it because they hadn't lived without him yet. They would all have their week of mourning and then realise how relieved they would feel when Loki wasn't there to drag everyone down with him. His mother would stop crying, his father would stop complaining and maybe his brother would stop laughing at him.

And Loki could stop feeling, stop disappointing, stop ignoring. Loki could just stop. End it all, like he'd tried to and failed so many times and how pathetic was that, when he couldn't even kill himself properly. 

Tonight. It had to happen tonight. It wasn't physically possible for Loki to even think of breathing, feeling, for one more day. Frigga would be checking in on him before bed to make sure he was safe in his bed, and then she'd go to bed not knowing, thinking to herself that she'd done her job. She would ignore every sign that Loki had felt bad today, probably believing that finally, her words had gone through, that Loki could be fixed, could become that boy she thought he'd been once.

Everything would be fine, everything would work out in the end and everyone would be happy. Everyone would get what they wanted deep inside, the happiness everyone always talked about. Yes, everything would be fine.

23:44

Loki hadn't slept. He hadn't written a letter. Hadn't done anything else besides drawing on his arm, tracing the red lines over the older pink ones, and when his mother peeked inside at half-past eleven he'd been in bed, hiding inside his blanket like the five-year-old she still saw. 

There were red spots on his writing desk, but he knew Frigga would ignore it. He hadn't been doing good, or that's what she thought at least, so why did it matter?

Loki counted to 18 from when the door closed, and then he got up, only grabbing the oversized sweater he'd borrowed from Thor some years ago when Thor hadn't known how fucked up his brother was. Loki also grabbed his phone before he opened his window and jumped down.

The air was refreshingly cold, the wind sneaking its way inside the sweater and clinging to his t-shirt. It was comforting in some odd way, knowing Loki could still feel the physical feelings. Feeling the cold, the stinging in his arm, the weight of his phone in his pocket.

His phone. As Loki walked the weight became heavier and heavier. It was always there, bugging him, demanding attention like some cat. By the time Loki reached his destination, it was a constant gnawing on his thigh, almost forcing Loki to take it out.

Looking out over the bridge Loki could see the river run, almost galloping away down towards the ocean. There wasn't a single soul here, not many people knew the bridge was even here. Loki knew. He'd chased the river once as a child and ended up in his own little secret hideout with the bridge under the open sky and a thousand stars shining down on him, with the river leading him wherever he wanted to go.

Loki hadn't even noticed he'd called someone until he heard a tired voice from his phone. "Lo'? You know it's like 12:30?"

Tony. Loki had called Tony, for some reason he didn't understand, and Tony sounded annoyed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I'll just hang up then," he said, but before he could end the conversation before it could start he could hear Tony laugh. "Why? We're already talking. What's up?"

The wind was howling. The river was giggling. Tony must have heard because he took a deep breath before he spoke again. "Loki, where exactly are you?"

Laughing, Loki looked down at his phone. "Always so perceptive. I just went for a walk. I didn't mean to disturb you, it sorta just happened."

"Well, everything happens for a reason. Do you want me to join you for a walk? I've been cooped up in my lab for the last 43 hours so I could use some fresh air, and it sounds like the air is really fresh from where you are."

At first, Loki wanted to say yes. He missed Tony, his friend. Or at least Loki hoped they were still friends, seeing as they'd only met twice and not talked for three weeks. But then he didn't want to worry Tony, he didn't want to trick Tony into knowing him before he ended it all. "I'd love that, but I'm almost at home now. Maybe next time."

"Well, I can go with that. That is if it's going to be a next time? And I don't believe you're almost at your house, you live in the suburbs. Suburbs don't have rivers."

Loki didn't answer that. He knew he didn't have to. Tony already knew, and if what Loki had read about Tony was right the guy was probably halfway in tracking him down.

"I just wanted to hear your voice. You didn't answer my texts, so I thought you didn't want to talk to me."

"Oh, really? I thought I answered. I have a tendency to forget to answer texts, nothing personally, promise," Tony said and Loki could almost picture how Tony was smiling and scratching his back in embarrassment.

"Oh, that's okay."

"Is it really though?"

The huff Loki let out sounded more like a sarcastic laugh. No, everything wasn't okay and it probably never would be.

"I'm sorry, and again I didn't mean to disturb you. I shall let you get back to work then, goodbye."

Loki didn't let Tony answer before he ended the call and dropping his phone into the river. The sound of it hitting the water could reach all the way to Loki. It was almost a bit liberating, being free from it. No way for anyone to track him, and no annoying calls from people pretending to worry about him.

He climbed up the fence, sitting down and just watching the sky and the stars with their moon watching over them. She was beautiful today, almost full and so close Loki could count the craters.

He sat there for a while, not thinking, just feeling. Seeing. There was beauty in knowing it would end, a calmness was spreading its arms around him. It wasn't like the last time when he was desperate and in pain. Now Loki felt at peace with himself and his decision, like this was meant to be. It felt right in a way it had never done before, in a way that couldn't be described. 

Then he gently stepped down on the other side of the fence, looking at the river with nothing in between him and the open air. He held onto the railing, leaning forward until he could feel the strain in his arms, feeling for the last time the pain in his arm where he'd drawn.

And then Loki let go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony won't let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short continuation of this part, because I think you all deserve this. It's really short, so I didn't want to make a new file for it, long live the laziness.

There wasn't a big "splash" like Loki had imagined. There wasn't silence like Loki had hoped for. There wasn't a calm feeling or the nothingness he'd dreamed and hoped for, or even the coldness of water rushing through his body. Loki never even reached the water. Something was holding his wrist, his life. Something hard, like iron. It was cold and smooth, formed like a hand. No, it was a hand. A metal hand. Loki could feel the joints in the fingers where they dug into his drawings, and Loki only knew of one mechanic who was smart enough and stupid enough to make something like this. "You know, the purpose of jumping from a bridge is to actually hit the ground underneath it," Loki whispered, not daring to look up. He knew what Tony's face would tell him, and he didn't want to see the disappointment and disgust on his friend's face.

"Hah, you know the purpose of being alive is to not hit the ground, or water, under the bridge?" Tony retorted, making Loki huff a laugh. "You do know the actual purpose of living is to die one day?"

The silence was loud, full of unsaid words. Loki couldn't quite catch any of them, not wanting to know what went on in Tony's mind. Then Tony started dragging him up, and Loki closed his eyes. He didn't want to see reality, that he was still alive and Tony of all people was there. The fear of what Tony might think or say or show was too big at the moment and all Loki wanted to do was throw himself off the bridge again, but he couldn't do that now. Not when Tony was there, he would never do that to Tony.

And then he was standing on the right (wrong) side of the bridge, and Loki was engulfed in a hug. "You stupid, stupid boy," was all Tony whispered, over and over again. Loki didn't know what to say. Yes, he knew? He was sorry? Loki was sorry. Sorry for worrying Tony, for failing, for calling, for everything. For failing that first attempt, for failing the attempt that lead to their meeting, for failing this attempt, for failing all of them.

They stood there for a long time, Tony just held on to Loki and Loki let him. Maybe Loki was dead after all, and this was Death greeting him as the one Loki wanted to see the most. That was a nice thought, but Loki knew he wasn't dead. He could feel the wind dance around them, hear the river sing her song. There were tears on his cheeks and tears on his shoulder, the metal hands were clinging to Thor's sweater as if to hold him here, making sure he was here and not there. It felt nice, being hugged. Feeling the warmth of another human and almost feeling something Loki hadn't felt in a long time. Loki almost felt love.

"If I let you go, will you jump again? Cuz' if that's the case I'm not ever letting go."

And then Loki realised what had happened. His body moved before he could think, and then he pushed Tony away. "What the hell do you think you're doing?! This was mine! It was perfect and you ruined it!" The warmth was gone and all Loki could feel was the cold. Cold wind, cold tears, cold blood. "I was ready! I AM ready! How dare you try and, and, SAVE me! I don't want to be saved! I don't want you here! I want! I want..."

As quick as it had come, the energy drained out of Loki's body, leaving him breathless and with nothing. He still didn't dare to open his eyes, still afraid of what lies and hurt his eyes would show him. It was all ruined, the calm feeling from before was gone, only panic and anxiety filled his body, screaming and shouting. It hit him in his stomach, his head, and then his knees buckled and Loki couldn't breathe.

"What do you want, Loki? To die? No, you don't. To disappear? No, you don't. I need you to stop lying to yourself, right now. Don't listen to what your voice says. Listen to what I'm telling you." Tony's voice didn't move. And it was lying. Loki did want to die, he knew that already. Loki needed to die. Needed to stop. Had to stop. "Stop shaking your head Loki, you know it's lying to you." Now the voice came closer, and then a hand, a normal hand, gently touched the top of his head, steadying the shaking Loki hadn't even noticed. "No, you're lying. You don't know me, you don't know anything about me. You're Tony fucking Stark and you don't know anything about this."

"Yes, I do."

Three simple words, six letters, made Loki shoot his eyes open and for the first time, he saw Tony. The real Tony. The Tony no one had ever seen and Loki started to cry. Tony's face was the same as Loki's. It was the face of someone who'd been crushed too many times, who didn't look forward. A face of someone who'd given up, and to see that on Tony's face hurt like nothing had ever hurt Loki in his entire life. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Tony, please don't do this, I'm sorry!" he cried, and before he knew it he was back in Tony's arms, feeling the warmth and love and something else. Tony held him as if his life depended on it, only it wasn't any as if. And Loki cried, and was sorry, and he was so, so sorry. Tony kept whispering words into his ear, kept grounding him, kept him.

02:57

Loki didn't know when he'd passed out. He didn't know how he'd gotten himself into the most expensive bedroom in the entire country. He didn't remember what had happened, didn't understand why his arm hurt or his throat was sore. Why was Tony holding him? Why was he wearing Thor's sweater? Why was there a bruise around his wrist?

And then it all hit back. The family dinner, the drawings, the walk, the phone call, the jump, the iron gauntlet, the broken face.

It must have shown on his face, because suddenly Tony's face was right in front of him, still holding on to him. Tony hesitated. "Do you... no that's wrong. Uhm, hi? How do you... no that's wrong as well. Damn."

Tony couldn't find the right words, but it was okay because Loki didn't have the right answers. "Yes, I remember. Hi, I feel fucking fantastically horrible. And yes, damn."

They were silent for a while after that. Just thinking. Thinking of what to say. What to do. There weren't any easy answers to their dilemma, they didn't know enough to find any good solutions and they knew. They knew the other wasn't ready to open up about things, and that was fine for now.

"I just want to know, how did you find me?"

Tony blinked once. Twice. Thrice. "You... you want to know how I found you. Seriously. No questions about my totally awesome gauntlets that are one of a kind in this world, or how my totally awesome superstrength got us back to my apartment in the middle of New York. You want the answer to the most obvious thing that's ever happened. I'm almost offended, really."

Loki just looked at Tony, and then he snorted. Then he giggled. Then he laughed. And laughed. Because yes, it was obvious. Loki had just asked the most advanced and gifted mechanic/computer technician/mad scientist how he'd found him.

"I tracked your phone, obviously. Damn, for loving Shakespeare and Poe you really aren't the smartest out here." And then they both laughed some more.

"But seriously, I think we need to talk about things. Maybe not now since it's three o'clock in the night and we both could do with some sleep, but tomorrow we do have to talk you know." Loki nodded. "Yes, I suppose," he said and then hesitated. Tony seemed to know why he hesitated because he just smiled and said; "Don't worry, I'm not leaving you tonight." Loki let out a breath of relief.

They snuggled up to each other, let exhaustion do its job, and they slept properly for the first time in a long time.


End file.
